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If You're In My Office, It's Already Too Late: A Divorce Lawyer's Guide to Staying Together

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About If You're In My Office, It's Already Too Late: A

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. If You're In My Office, It's Already Too LateA Divorce Lawyer's Guide To Staying TogetherBy James J. SextonHenry Holt and CompanyCopyright © 2018 James J. Sexton, Esq.All rights reserved.ISBN: 978-1-250-13077-8ContentsTitle Page, Copyright Notice, Dedication, Epigraph, Chapters or Parts, Introduction: Take the Path They Didn't, 1. What Is the Problem to Which Marriage Is the Solution?, 2. Storytelling: There's an Arc There, Somewhere, 3. Hit Send Now, 4. You Can Be Right or You Can Be Happy, 5. Expectation vs. Reality, 6. Tight Grips and Loose Arms, 7. Reading Minds and Accepting Appearances, 8. Everyone's Fucking the Nanny, 9. Gratuitous Time-out: And Yes, I Meant Everyone Is Fucking the Nanny, 10. Married People: Pretend You're Not, 11. Go Without or Go Elsewhere, 12. Did You Spend More Time Shopping for Your Car or for Your Spouse?, 13. Actually, Past Performance Is Indicative of Future Results, 14. The Five Kinds of Infidelity, 15. Infidelity Type #3: The Mistake, 16. It's So Much Easier to Change the Other Person, 17. Gratuitous Time-out: Lie to Me; Everybody Else Does, 18. The You, the Me, and the We, 19. If We Were Designing an Infidelity-Generating Machine, It Would Be Facebook, 20. One of the Pillars of Marriage Is Sex, 21. We Know What We Know Until We May Not Want to Know It, 22. Gratuitous Time-out: I Love My Job, Except for When I Hate It, 23. You Never Go to Bed with Just One Person, 24. Divide and Conquer, 25. What You're Getting and What You're Giving, 26. The Myth of the Perfect Parent, 27. You Divorce Who You Married, 28. Gratuitous Time-out: The Case of the Shrinking Penis, 29. Know Yourself, 30. Intimacy Weaponized, Part I, 31. Intimacy Weaponized, Part II: Cross-Examination, 32. Argue Better, 33. Gut, Heart, and Head, 34. The Author of Your Story, 35. Who Are You?, 36. Gratuitous Time-out: How Not to Let Yourself Be Cross-Examined, 37. Write a Letter, 38. Yours, Mine, and Ours: The Financial System That Works Best, 39. Design, Not Default, 40. Acceptance: You Have to Love the Bad Parts, Too, 41. The Secret That Shouldn't Be a Secret: Just Give a Shit, Notes, Afterword: Cannibals, Acknowledgments, About the Author, Copyright, CHAPTER 1WHAT IS THE PROBLEM TO WHICH MARRIAGE IS THE SOLUTION?If you've thought long and hard about what marriage means, congratulations: You're different from many of my clients. (That may be one reason they're not still married.) I'm forced by professional necessity to think deeply about marriage. I get to analyze it, though in its broken, Humpty-Dumpty-after-the-fall form, from so many angles — the psychological/emotional, the sexual, the financial, the parental, the practical/logistical. If we can stand back for a moment from an institution so rich with powerful associations — many very good, some not so good — it's helpful to recognize that marriage is a technology. Like every technology, or tool, it solves certain problems, intentionally, and creates new problems, unintentionally.What is the problem to which marriage is the solution? Take a minute to think about it. Or three. Is it the problem of being alone? Nope. You can find ways to not be alone without being married, nor does being married solve the problem of loneliness all the time, or for many people, even most of the time.Does marriage solve the problem of being uncommitted to anyone? No; you can feel committed to people and not be married. You're certainly committed to your children, your biological parents, your coworkers, your religious community, even your softball team (bonus points if it's a softball team associated with your religious community).What about the problem of not getting enough regular sex? Come on. Sex is everywhere. From Tinder to Grindr, it's in the palm of our hands anytime we want it (no pun intended). And countless married people will tell you that marriage is not, in fact, the solution to the problem of not having a satisfying sex lif