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F*cking History: 111 Lessons You Should Have Learned in School
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About F*cking History: 111 Lessons You Should Have
Product Description History that doesn't suck: Smart, crude, and hilariously relevant to modern life. Those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it. Too bad it's usually boring as sh*t. Enter The Captain, the ultimate storyteller who brings history to life (and to your life) in this hilarious, intelligent, brutally honest, and crude compendium to events that happened before any of us were born. The entries in this compulsively readable book bridge past and present with topics like getting ghosted, handling haters, and why dog owners rule (sorry, cat people). Along the way you'll get a glimpse of Edith Wharton's sex life, dating rituals in Ancient Greece, catfishing in 500 BC, medieval flirting techniques, and squad goals from Catherine the Great. You'll learn why losing yourself in a relationship will make you crazy--like Joanna of Castile, who went from accomplished badass to Joanna the Mad after obsessing over a guy known as Philip the Handsome. You'll discover how Resting Bitch Face has been embraced throughout history (so wear it proudly). And you'll see why it's never a good idea to f*ck with powerful women--from pirate queens to diehard suffragettes to Cleo-f*cking-patra. People in the past were just like us--so learn from life's losers and emulate the badasses. The Captain shows you how. About the Author The Captain is a writer, creator, and instigator. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. GETTIN' GHOSTED Few things in life will make you feel as dumb as getting ghosted. But you know what? Getting ghosted is a f*cking blessing. Because anybody who won't give you the courtesy of giving it to you straight is somebody you don't need in your life anyway. So if you get ghosted, keep doing your thing and make sure the person who ghosted you lives to absolutely f*cking regret it. Be like Edith Wharton. By the year 1905, Edith had already made quite a name for herself as an author and a wordsmith. Sadly, her literary success did not carry into her marriage. (Apparently, her husband was kind of an angry sh*thead.) And like unhappily married people have been known to do, she had an affair. It began in 1907 with a kindred spirit and fellow writer by the name of William Morton Fullerton. Edith was head over heels for this guy and thought for sure he was the soul mate most people only dream of meeting. Unfortunately, the affair was short-lived, as Fullerton disappeared on her sometime in 1908. Yep, he straight up ghosted her ass. Over the years, she did what she could to find him and make contact by writing hundreds of letter–yes, hundreds–in an attempt to get some closure, but F*ckboy Fullerton never bothered to even give her a response. Realizing all her worrying was dumb, Edith gave up and got on with her life. In 1913 she divorced her husband and moved to France. There, she continued to write, and in 1916 she received the French Legion of Honor award for her work during the war. In 1921 she became THE FIRST WOMAN EVER to win a Pulitzer Prize, for her novel The Age of Innocence. As a saucy, scholarly boss, she never remarried and spent the rest of her life writing in the French Riviera, with her dogs, her garden, and her close friends. She even went on to receive three Nobel Prize nominations before her death in 1937. And what did Fullerton do with his life? Not much. His claim to fame was dating Edith, and a selection of the letters she wrote to him were eventually published in a book. Yeah, although he didn't respond, he received and saved every single one–all four hundred of 'em. (Huh, suddenly sending five texts in a row doesn't seem so bad.) You see, getting ghosted is not the end of the world. If someone ghosts you, haunt their ass with your success. Or just get, like, super f*cking attractive. Either way, you win, they lose. *** TILL DEATH DO YOU PART (OR NOT) You're a f*cking catch. And anyone you date should f*cking act like it. Don't waste your time with someone who only wants to
