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I Love Jesus, But I Want to Die: Finding Hope in the Darkness of Depression
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About I Love Jesus, But I Want To Die: Finding Hope In
Product Description A compassionate, shame-free guide for your darkest days“A one-of-a-kind book . . . to read for yourself or give to a struggling friend or loved one without the fear that depression and suicidal thoughts will be minimized, medicalized or over-spiritualized.”—Kay Warren, cofounder of Saddleback Church What happens when loving Jesus doesn’t cure you of depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts? You might be crushed by shame over your mental illness, only to be told by well-meaning Christians to “choose joy” and “pray more.” So you beg God to take away the pain, but nothing eases the ache inside. As darkness lingers and color drains from your world, you’re left wondering if God has abandoned you. You just want a way out. But there’s hope. In I Love Jesus, But I Want to Die, Sarah J. Robinson offers a healthy, practical, and shame-free guide for Christians struggling with mental illness. With unflinching honesty, Sarah shares her story of battling depression and fighting to stay alive despite toxic theology that made her afraid to seek help outside the church. Pairing her own story with scriptural insights, mental health research, and simple practices, Sarah helps you reconnect with the God who is present in our deepest anguish and discover that you are worth everything it takes to get better. Beautifully written and full of hard-won wisdom, I Love Jesus, But I Want to Die offers a path toward a rich, hope-filled life in Christ, even when healing doesn’t look like what you expect. Review “Robinson’s soothing tips and sage advice should go a long way toward helping those in need of assistance.” —Publishers Weekly About the Author Sarah J. Robinson once believed her lifelong battle with depression made her a bad Christian. Now she’s an author and speaker who helps others discover that mental illness doesn’t disqualify them from living rich, beautiful lives in Christ. Drawing from a decade of ministry experience and the mental health field, Sarah helps readers fight for wholeness and cultivate joy. She lives in Nashville with her husband. Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved. Chapter One Loving Jesus Doesn’t Cure You Trigger/Content Warning—The first section of this chapter discusses a suicide attempt. If you are currently struggling with thoughts of suicide or self-harm or believe reading about a suicide attempt would be unhealthy for you for any reason, please skip the gray highlighted section. Remember, if you notice any distress as you read, take a few deep breaths, step away, and distract yourself with pleasant thoughts or activities before returning to the book. Take good care of yourself. I was a Christian the first time I tried to kill myself. I’d contemplated suicide countless times over the years, emptying a bottle of pills into my hand to feel their weight or fantasizing about stepping in front of a car. The thoughts were constant, vicious, and unspoken. But I never made an actual attempt until eight months after committing my life to Christ in a tiny warehouse church. I’d done all the “right” things. I got baptized, went to church every time the doors were open, swapped my old friends for relationships with youth-group kids, read my Bible, prayed, and worshipped. I’d gone to conferences and even on my first mission trip. And with my charismatic, miracle-focused church, I’d preached the gospel and prayed for people to be healed on the streets of our city. I was convinced I should have felt better. But I didn’t. Instead, the hope of my new faith faded into a gnawing sense of disappointment. Why did I still hurt so much? Why wouldn’t God fix me? Everyone at my new church seemed to receive constant reassurances of God’s love and approval, but he seemed bitterly silent to me. It only reinforced the raging self-hatred I’d carried for so long. God doesn’t even want me. It’s my fault; I’m too selfish and sinful. It’s never going to get better. I felt sick a
